This is very timely. I've learned to be very good at watching when/where I might go over someone else's boundaries, but I am not as practiced at maintaining my own. I was in a situation today where a much-younger student in a work readiness program I'm in needed to vent. But I didn't tell him anything that a vocational counselor or therapist wouldn't have said better. So he only gets today's instance and no more.
Thank you for your posts on various platforms over the years. They're great advice.
I've been very wary for a long time about people who ... well, latch onto me like a leech of neediness. I can be very good a listening to others and even giving advice. But that can easily lead to someone constantly expecting me to make their decisions for them. That is something I will not do, something I decided as a definite boundary.
But those who presume on a greater friendship in online relationships that really exists, those folks can really become a problem. But I've also run into such in face-to-face situations as well. In either realm, they are hard to navigate, because it isn't easy to tell when they will go from accepting "acquaintance distance" to thinking they know me more as a friend than they actually do.
And for me, that's the thing that I, as basically a fan, treat very carefully. I try not to presume too much on the "more established" professional people I know in various fields. I'm very fortunate to know many professionals, who do "give me access". But I try not to take advantage of that. There are some pros I do know more as friends, and every so often I will say to someone I've become acquainted with (and like and trust enough to have determined they will not abuse my "professional friend") that if they meet the pro, they can use my name when they introduce themselves to the pro. But that's basically because I've at least vetted out the potential leeches. (Being "salt of the earth" as it were, "killing" the leeches. ;) )
I'm so sorry you got stuck with the nightmare type. I applaud your determination of setting boundaries and being careful about who gets inside them.
I'm also THRILLED that you are seeing light at the end of the long job for Good Omens. The bits you have shown promise so much wonderfulness for us all! And you will absolutely, totally deserve a wonderful time of celebration when you finish.
When you say "Things. Did. Not. Go. Well" I hear angels' wings plotting apart and leathery pivots spitting out cartilage and webbing and the nubs of faces of dead presidents snarling. And the tale unfolds.
One wonders how many people are like this, because frankly, lot of this sounds similar to behavior that seems just endemic in some not-so-hidden pockets on the internet lately.
I wish I could say this was my only mistake along these lines, and it wasn't. Nor was it my last mistake. My last mistake was about 5 years back, and I got out fast, but OMG.
Well, I think it's admirable that you're self-reflective here, but, I also kinda think these people need to get a f***ing life.
I know that's a little curt, but, compassion is a good quality, I hate when people take advantage of it.
Boundaries are smart no matter what of course, just saying I think the people who put you or anyone in these situations bear most of the responsibility for these outcomes.
Excellent advice to pass on to people. Avoid the emotional drains and the self-victimizers, they always lead to no good. I too have run into these over the years, but dealt with them far more harshly, and they went on their way. It's only time when having a thick-skin combined with being a numbskull has paid off.
😮 That's horrifying. I love your work, and may sound a tiny bit familiar when I say casual things like, "I can't wait to see you at Con!" as opposed to more formalized comments one might otherwise leave for strangers. But I would never presume an actual friendship, or even an acquaintanceship. We don’t know each other. I'm a fan, I understand my place in this social contract.
I'm always happy to meet fans at conventions and I have lifelong friendships that come from fandom. But there is what appears to be online, and what is real in person.
Wow quite a story, there is always a life lesson to be learned reading these. So happy you are doing so much better and love what you are doing with Good Omens!!
A powerful yet painful lesson to learn in life that no one seems to understand until it happens. Wounded people, consciously or unconsciously, will keep trying to fill their tanks instead of fixing the gaping hole that’s causing the emptiness in the first place.
More than ever, a functional bullshit detector is essential.
Yet more so if one is relatively isolated by being any sort of freelance creative.
What Colleen describes here is awful for all concerned. I’m sure it can’t be completely avoided — part of the insanity is having an insane drive — but vigilance is needed to keep the odds as good for one as possible.
This is very timely. I've learned to be very good at watching when/where I might go over someone else's boundaries, but I am not as practiced at maintaining my own. I was in a situation today where a much-younger student in a work readiness program I'm in needed to vent. But I didn't tell him anything that a vocational counselor or therapist wouldn't have said better. So he only gets today's instance and no more.
Thank you for your posts on various platforms over the years. They're great advice.
I've been very wary for a long time about people who ... well, latch onto me like a leech of neediness. I can be very good a listening to others and even giving advice. But that can easily lead to someone constantly expecting me to make their decisions for them. That is something I will not do, something I decided as a definite boundary.
But those who presume on a greater friendship in online relationships that really exists, those folks can really become a problem. But I've also run into such in face-to-face situations as well. In either realm, they are hard to navigate, because it isn't easy to tell when they will go from accepting "acquaintance distance" to thinking they know me more as a friend than they actually do.
And for me, that's the thing that I, as basically a fan, treat very carefully. I try not to presume too much on the "more established" professional people I know in various fields. I'm very fortunate to know many professionals, who do "give me access". But I try not to take advantage of that. There are some pros I do know more as friends, and every so often I will say to someone I've become acquainted with (and like and trust enough to have determined they will not abuse my "professional friend") that if they meet the pro, they can use my name when they introduce themselves to the pro. But that's basically because I've at least vetted out the potential leeches. (Being "salt of the earth" as it were, "killing" the leeches. ;) )
I'm so sorry you got stuck with the nightmare type. I applaud your determination of setting boundaries and being careful about who gets inside them.
I'm also THRILLED that you are seeing light at the end of the long job for Good Omens. The bits you have shown promise so much wonderfulness for us all! And you will absolutely, totally deserve a wonderful time of celebration when you finish.
And I love the photo! Looking great in it! :D
When you say "Things. Did. Not. Go. Well" I hear angels' wings plotting apart and leathery pivots spitting out cartilage and webbing and the nubs of faces of dead presidents snarling. And the tale unfolds.
Cheers!
Good for you! You keep going, and relish that champagne at the end.
Yeah so glad you did cut out when you did at least! And hopefully you will be in a better place and it won't happen next time like that.
Also I think we all can end up lowering a guard that we didn't expect to.
But yeah you're picture looks like you're doing really well now! <3
One wonders how many people are like this, because frankly, lot of this sounds similar to behavior that seems just endemic in some not-so-hidden pockets on the internet lately.
I wish I could say this was my only mistake along these lines, and it wasn't. Nor was it my last mistake. My last mistake was about 5 years back, and I got out fast, but OMG.
Well, I think it's admirable that you're self-reflective here, but, I also kinda think these people need to get a f***ing life.
I know that's a little curt, but, compassion is a good quality, I hate when people take advantage of it.
Boundaries are smart no matter what of course, just saying I think the people who put you or anyone in these situations bear most of the responsibility for these outcomes.
Excellent advice to pass on to people. Avoid the emotional drains and the self-victimizers, they always lead to no good. I too have run into these over the years, but dealt with them far more harshly, and they went on their way. It's only time when having a thick-skin combined with being a numbskull has paid off.
😮 That's horrifying. I love your work, and may sound a tiny bit familiar when I say casual things like, "I can't wait to see you at Con!" as opposed to more formalized comments one might otherwise leave for strangers. But I would never presume an actual friendship, or even an acquaintanceship. We don’t know each other. I'm a fan, I understand my place in this social contract.
Though, I am very excited for your panel! 😅
I'm always happy to meet fans at conventions and I have lifelong friendships that come from fandom. But there is what appears to be online, and what is real in person.
Totally agree! (I'll be waving from the online chatbox with a ton of others! 😁)
Wow quite a story, there is always a life lesson to be learned reading these. So happy you are doing so much better and love what you are doing with Good Omens!!
A powerful yet painful lesson to learn in life that no one seems to understand until it happens. Wounded people, consciously or unconsciously, will keep trying to fill their tanks instead of fixing the gaping hole that’s causing the emptiness in the first place.
More than ever, a functional bullshit detector is essential.
Yet more so if one is relatively isolated by being any sort of freelance creative.
What Colleen describes here is awful for all concerned. I’m sure it can’t be completely avoided — part of the insanity is having an insane drive — but vigilance is needed to keep the odds as good for one as possible.