Set Boundaries and Keep Them

Parasocial

I stumbled on some correspondence from many years ago when I had a serious problem with a fan.

In reality, I barely knew them. But I referred to them as my friend when we were online, though I wouldn't recognize them in a lineup, and didn't know pretty much anything about their life. I think I only met them twice.

They had been a long-time supporter of my work, and when they were down, I sent them money and ran fundraising efforts for them in remembrance of all the help they'd directed to my projects. They continued to spiral downhill however, and at the end, faced joblessness and eviction.

They came to me asking me for a boost on their resume for a prospective gig. They wanted me to say they had done work they hadn't actually done, grossly exaggerating a small job for me for which they'd been paid about $50.

But hey, I said they were my friend, right? Yikes. What's a friend to do.

I balked at outright lying...but I did say I'd known them for years and trusted them.

And I had no business doing that. I hadn't really known them for years. I only knew them online. I had no reason to trust them more than anyone else I knew online. And I really had no business giving them a reference for work since they hadn't really done much work for me. But I did it because I thought I was helping someone out when they were in trouble and I believed they'd rise to the challenge of a new job.

Needless to say, in the end it all blew up in my face.

Things. Did. Not. Go. Well.

At the time, my health and finances were spiraling downhill (I had an undiagnosed chronic illness, and went without any income for eight months,) and this person's drama was off the scale. I asked them repeatedly to give me some space because their emails and pleas for attention were extremely upsetting.

Every time they wanted attention, they'd wind me up with some gossip or scurrilous rumor about some past client who had done me ill. It was unhealthy and I didn't like it. I asked them to stop.

They kept right on.

I had no idea how ill I really was at the time, but I certainly didn't have any more money or energy for this person. I tried to engage with other, less volatile people. Their reaction was to become openly nasty toward other fans I talked to online.

I'd never really communicated with them outside of email and my message board. Then I got a load of what they were like on social media.

I was horrified. They used violent language constantly, and even bragged about spitting into food prepared for a church event to get revenge on people they didn't like. I deleted them from my Twitter.

My backing away from them made them go completely bonkers. They made abusive and threatening comments toward me.

I finally worked with some social workers and suicide counselors (this person repeatedly threatened to kill themselves) to walk through what to do, and after some months, I was strongly advised to get away. That I was in no position to improve this person's lot, and that I was doing myself harm trying to.

So, I cut out.

Looking back, I now see that at the very least, I should have exercised much better boundaries from the beginning. Even though in email with this person, we established that we weren't IRL friends, and they agreed completely - "Well, I don't really know you..." and so on.

However, when it all went south, they wailed that I had thrown away a friendship of 25 years - a close friendship they had previously acknowledged didn't actually exist.

I met another pro who had a similar experience with this person. This pro had tried to help them...and no matter what was done, it wasn't enough. The fan constantly denounces the pro, despite the fact that the fan was many years older and had known this pro as a kid. But by golly, the pro got a good career...and the fan didn't.

And 20 years later, the fan hates the pro with a passion.

The pro looked at me and shook her head. "You can never do enough for -"

Decades later, I see many people have tried to help the fan, and the outreached hand toward them is always drawn back with a bloody stump.

I'm not a social worker, and there are some things best left to social workers.

Set boundaries and keep them. People will drown you with their need, and demonize you for not filling their emptiness.

I’m busy working on Good Omens, I will be finished in 90 days, and then I am going to do something like I am doing in the following photo.

Courtesy “The Phantom” comic series writer Julie Ditrich.